Here’s what’s weird: It’s been a few years, but I read the story collection that acts as the source material for this movie. And I’m almost certain it didn’t suck absolute balls. 

I’m also pretty sure this movie has about 5% connection to that source material. 

This movie is so bad I almost forgot Armie Hammer might be a cannibal who was, until recently, selling timeshares in the Caymans. 

Almost.

1.) Quite possibly, almost definitely the worst movie to choose for my first time back to the movies since my grandfather’s ing. 

2.) I didn’t anticipate Fulci Down Under. 

3.) How many theaters in recent days have been filled with screaming “NAUR NAUR NAUR NAUR NAUR NAUR!!!!!!!”s.

4.) Back in my NYC days there were always those dudes dealing vhs tapes in the subways, just laid out on tarps. And these are the vhs tapes I pictured them selling. 

5.) Brutal. And I really, really dug it.

Considering my father was the first to take me to a horror movie in a theater, and that movie was Scream, which changed my life forever…

There couldn’t have been any better way to spend a Black Friday then going to see this with my pops, almost 27 years later. 

Time makes no sense. But I know it’s more important than ever.

If my family ever saw this review, they would say, “We knew it. We knew you are one of those people based on the way you act at family get togethers.” But: 

Seeing this at 10 pm, teen-aged stoned, in a Southern Indiana theater in which I was the only one in attendance…

Is just the best way of life. 

This walk in the woods was good for my health. 
What a time to be alive.