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Once in a lifetime you'll come across a film that truly captures the history and cultural distinctions of the modern world the way a person can subjectively perceive it through our guided field of perspective. I have to it, I had my doubts when I first learned of the movie. After all, a movie based on emojis? Those annoying things people send in texts? Come on, Sony. You’re really pushing it. How ignorant was I to even have these thoughts.

Little did I know I was about to indulge in what may have been the best 5 hours and 38 minutes of my life. The movie started out strong. The opening scenes enticed the audience with a captivating enigma. I…

12

please end my life

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I gave my six year old son control of the remote and told him to pick a movie. So we sat through this abomination. I have since put him up for adoption.

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At one point one of the main characters says "Ok, buzzkill", and at that moment I got down on my knees and prayed to God, thanking Him for the fact that this movie didn't release two years later.

Still better than Cars 2.

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CITIZEN KANE WHO?? 😂😂😘😅😍😝😤
CINEMA IS SAVED!!

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There's 104 days📅📆 of summer vacation🌞🌊 And school🏫📚 comes along just to end it 😪🔪 So the annual problem💣💥💢 for our generation🤡💯 Is finding a good✅👍 way to spend it🤑💸 Like maybe🤷‍♀️... Building🔨🔧 a rocket🚀💫 Or fighting😡😤 a mummy🔪👩 Or climbing🧗‍♂️☝ up the Eiffel Tower🗼⚡Discovering👩‍🔬🤯 something that doesn't exist ✖💀 (Hey!) Or giving a monkey🙈🙉 a shower🛀🚿🧼 Surfing tidal waves🌊🏄‍♂️ Creating nanobots👩‍💻🤖 Or locating🚩😵 Frankenstein's brain🧟‍♂️🧠 (It's over here!) Finding a dodo bird🦜 Painting a continent🎨🌍 Or driving your sister insane👧🤪 (Phineas!) As you👇🗑 can see👀🌊 There's a whole⭕🥱 lot of stuff to do🆗🆒 Before⌚💢 school🏫📚 starts this fall🍁🍂 (Come on Perry) So stick🩹😎 with us 'cause Phineas and Ferb 👨🏼‍🤝‍👨🏻 Are gonna do it all😫✊🤞💅 So stick🩹😎 with us 'cause Phineas and Ferb 👨🏼‍🤝‍👨🏻 are gonna do it all! 😫✊🤞💅 (Mom!👩😡 Phineas and Ferb 👨🏼‍🤝‍👨🏻 are making 🔨👷‍♂️a title sequence!🎞📹 ) (Guitar downs🎸🎶💥)

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“The Emoji Movie” might seem like a brazenly cynical cash grab that only exists because a Hollywood studio saw an opportunity to brand the most universal human language since the invention of math (apologies to Esperanto), but Sony Pictures Animation’s big new blockbuster has represented something very positive since the start of this summer movie season: hope. Specifically, the hope that — for 90 beautiful minutes — Hollywood would spirit us away to a cinematic world that was somehow actually worse than real life. What a gift it would be in July 2017 to leave the multiplex and actually come up on our way back to reality, to feel the faint nausea of ascension for the first time all year…

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I mean like...

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they made emojis heterosexual this is literally a nightmare

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This is who we are.

Anyone blaming anyone or anything other than themselves is a hypocrite.

This movie exists because of us.

And the funniest thing is that it isn't even that bad.

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someone in an office in front of 10 executives: our story starts with EMOJIS. theyre all the same, except one. he’s not like the other emojis. 
he’s... different...

executives: fuck

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it was this or the queen's funeral